Sunday, July 18, 2010
Always searching for happiness in the wrong places.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Still have a piece of you under my skin.
And I just don't know why.
No matter how many years have passed, it still hurts when I think about how invisible I felt with you.
Monday, June 7, 2010
It's 3:30am and I woke up randomly. Don't you hate it when you have random things running through your head all day that it begins to invade your dreams? Gah, I just want to sleep peacefully, but I can't when all I do is stress. And with the stress... brings ulcers.
I don't know why I let little things bug me so much. Why does it bother me? Sometimes I think I deserve it all. Maybe I'm just a bad person? Because they always say, Karma's a bitch.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Sometimes I get so caught up with things that I forget to breathe. The hustle and bushel of life keeps me so busy that I don't get to stop and appreciate all the goodness of the world. Maybe this summer will give me the opportunity to relax and enjoy my days. Hopefully, things will work out the way I've planned. I am ready to get out of the rut I was in last semester.
I am ready to change.
Friday, May 29, 2009
You moved on?
I don't know whether I should feel happy for you that you finally found someone that could make you happy again
feel a bit sad because this is the end of our road.
I'm just going to pick choice A because it makes more sense. We're both happy now. So cheers to that.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I haven't written in here in ages. I've converted back to xanga lol. However, writing in here is a little more private.
What to say, what to say...
I should be studying right now, but I'm slacking off.
I've been craving ice cream everyday. Fatty, much? Indeed.
I find myself always thinking about the past. Why can't we stay young and careless forever?
I want to get a tattoo.. I was thinking, maybe my favorite quote? But ah, it's so long. Maybe not.
Tomorrow I'll pull an all nighter. I HAVE TO.
I wish things were different. I wish it wasn't so weird every time we saw each other. I want to be friends... but I don't know how to be.
I cleaned my room spotless last night. I'm very proud of myself.
I want to pick up a new hobby.. maybe painting? Ah.. after finals, I'll buy a canvas.
I need to donate my clothes. I have too much.
No cable sucks! Give me back MTV and reality shows please :(
A good walk around a park would be nice right now. However, I don't want to be kidnap.
Friday, October 17, 2008
When I started to read over my past blogs, it made me really reevaluate myself. It's almost been a year since my last post. Have I changed for the better? I chuckled when I read the post 2 before this one (the one about me getting mad/sad/guilty too easily). I am still the same. I feel like everyday is a struggle.. a struggle with myself. I feel like I'm too nice sometimes. People walk all over me. heh. So I came to the library yesterday to study and a friend sat down near me. We started to chat and somehow, the subject of me being too nice came up. He said, "You need to stand up for yourself and speak your mind. Don't let people walk all over you.. The same things happen over and over because you don't tell them that it bothers you." And I said "YEAH I KNOW!" I told myself, "Dammit, I will be better. I will stand up for myself. This is bullshit!".... but as another special friend said to me the other day, "You act tough when you're mad, but when it comes down to it. You're too nice." Sigh.. so what now?
I feel like I haven't found a middle ground in my life yet. In middle school and high school, I was known as the stubborn bitch. No one would ever cross my path to piss me off because I raised hell (even for a little girl). As I grew up and started to college, I started to calm down. Now, I'm known as the "nice one". I felt that college could be my new start and it was. However, now I don't know what to do with myself because I feel like I lost my voice. I don't want to be mean, I don't want that reputation, but what can I do to get people to take me seriously? People take my kindness as weakness. I am far from weak. I build walls so I would never become weak. So.... the question is, how do I be... nice, yet firm on my beliefs?
On the lighter note, gas prices are going down. I bought new headsets for my ipod which are pretty nifty because I was using a broken one for a year lol. I have a room to myself now. I gained the weight I wanted because I thought I was too skinny. I'm starting to travel more which makes me happy because I'm always up to get away for the weekend. It clears my mind! I went back to my hometown and cuddled with my dog, Juicy all day. I miss her. Maybe I'll kidnap her Christmas break. I started my first scrapbook (not including the one I was forced to make harhar). My very own :). It makes me happy. The reason why I'm making it, makes me happy. I'm building memories! I think after my exams, I'll start to draw and paint again. I need hobbies to keep me entertained. Maybe I'll do the whole web designing/Photoshop ordeal again. Reality shows are making me become a couch potatoe. Hmm.. I want to go to Cirque O'Soleil. I want to go to the planetarium! Maybe one day. If I find the right person to go with, I'll go =]
Ok, back to studying.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I haven't written in here in forever.. so here I am. Hmm let's sum things up since the last time I've been here.I get mad too easily.. I need to work on my temper.
I hate cleaning.. especially when I'm not cleaning after just myself... I wish people were more considerate when it comes to living together. Ugh, wash your damn dishes!!!! Stop using my bathroom!!! Don't eat my food!!! Ahhhh! I just want to move out. Maybe next year, I'll find a place of my own. I get upset too easily.. I need to learn to not let things get to me.
So someone said to me the other day, "When I first met you, I didn't like you. You are kinda... um.. intimidating. But don't worry, I like you now." I got offended, however I didn't show it. I went to a mutual friend and brought the subject up.. and she said the same thing, "Yeah, I thought you were intimidating also. You aren't the type to be approached to easily. If you have never came up to me, I don't think I would have came up to you." WHAT? No one has ever said this about me before. I thought people found me to be nice and innocent? Total change.... do I actually give off that bitch vibe? I'm actually just shy. I don't like going up to random people and start up a conversation. I don't know. It's been bothering me ever since.I get guilty too easily.. I need to let things be.
My exboyfriend, last month, confessed that he still thinks of me everyday and told me that it makes him feel whole whenever he imagines me sitting next to him. Ummmm.... my response to that was, "You know, we broke up a year and a half ago... I have a boyfriend now." Maybe it wasn't the smoothest thing to do, but I felt like it was straight up and what was needed to be done. Since that moment, he hasn't been online or contact me with the usual random text message (that I don't answer back to, anyway). Is this a test to see if I miss him? GAMES! I felt guilty for a while because I was a little harsh... but whatever. I can't make him happy. It's not my fault things went the way it did. He needs to let go.. I need to not care anymore.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Last night I went downtown to meet up with my boyfriend and his friends at a bar. Well.... to make the story short, I was walking and there were a few guys riding on a cop's golf cart and yells at me, "me love you lonng timmme!" *sigh* It really made me blah. Ignorant bitches I swear. I hate how the world is like this.
When I was in the bar, my boyfriend points to some Asian girl across the room and says, "Hey, I used to talk to her before you." I couldn't help to look at her and compare her to myself. Is that bad? Apart of me feels like it's natural. Everyone does it to someone when they know their boyfriend/girlfriend has been with him/her in the past..... right? But the other part of me said I shouldn't have because he picked me, not her, to be with. heh. But anyway, she was okay. She was was taller, had blonde hair, and her boobs were popping outta her dress. She looked like a typical clubbing Asian girl. Do guys find that attractive? Because I never get hit on at a club. It kind of made me feel ugly. hm, oh well. As long as I'm beautiful in my boyfriend's eyes, that's all that matters. He makes me feel wanted. =]
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Sunday, December 16, 2007
I just got done watching one of my all time favorite movies, Crash. It makes me sad every time I watch it. It reminds me how close minded people can get at times, and even myself. (If you haven't seen it, you have to!) What makes everything sad is that everything in the movie is true. People DO judge others by their skin color without even knowing who they really are.
It reminded me of the time when my boyfriend and I took a trip to New York and we went to China Town. I needed some cash so we stopped by an ATM machine. It was weird because you needed a Bank of America card to swipe to get into this building to get to the ATM. When I swiped my card, there was this black guy, dressing all thuggy, that rushed to the door and got in. My first reaction was, "Oh my gosh, are we gonna get robbed?" heh. He says to the Asian guy that was already in the building, "Hey I've been knocking on the window for you to let me in. I showed you my card. I just wanted to use the ATM machine but I don't have Bank Of America to open the door. I just wanted get some money. Was it because I was black??" And the Asian guy replies back to him, "Look pal, that's not it at all. You are below my level if you're going to use that 'it's because I'm black' line to me," and started to scream at each other and pointed their fingers in each others faces. The black guy goes and gets his money at the ATM and then says, "This was all I wanted. My money. I wasn't gonna rob nobody," and then leaves.
There were two parts to this story that were equally wrong. 1. It's sad how my first reaction, and probably that Asian guy's reaction too, was that this black guy was going to rob us. How ignorant of me. I hate people that judge me, yet I did this to this innocent guy. It really taught me a lesson. And you what know else that's sad? 85% of the population of people in this world probably would of reacted the same way that I did in my situation. 2. He used the "it's because I'm black" card. Maybe he was right in this situation, but I hate it when black people, or any person, use their race as a reason why they think they're being judged. Sometimes, it's just the person themselves that was being an ass and they like to blame the other individual with the easiest escape, "It's because I'm ____." Everyone should just get a reality check. I hope that one day, we can all live amongst each other and not have this stereotype labeled upon us. Yes, there are people in the world that feed these stereotypes to make others believe that they are true, but c'mon... not everyone is the same.
jiggle jiggle. I'm done.
Friday, December 14, 2007
I thought to myself, "What would be a clever name for my blog that would describe me to a T?" I came up with Awkwardly Scribbled. Why? Well, you'll find out soon that my thoughts are never in order. My life is full of ups and downs that never really makes sense. And... well, it's me.
So what has gone on with my life thus far... hmm.. well, my fourth semester of college just ended. It was my second time making all A's. Did I deserve it? That's another story. I spent sleepless nights studying all the time for Organic Chemistry, Physics, and what not, but I feel like I didn't push myself hard enough. Maybe because I have friends in the class that I knew I could peek at their papers.. heh. My boyfriend said I shouldn't feel guilty because I did work my ass off and I've never DIDN'T study because I knew I could cheat, but a part of me feels like I totally didn't deserve all the credit. B would of done me justice. A? I don't know yet...
Today at work, some ignorant girl comes up to the counter and says, "Ice Vanilla... well, you know what I want. I want the same thing I got earlier." I gave her this blank stare because I just arrived to work not even 5 minutes before she stepped up to the counter. Then she says, "Oh wait.. it wasn't you. You guys all look the same," and laughed. Referring that all Asians look the same. Shit like that makes me believe that there are really stupid people in the world. Maybe not stupid, but really close minded. I wonder where they come from and who raised them to think like that. I gave her a chuckle and pretended like I didn't hear what she just said, but what I really wanted to do was to say, "Shut the fuck up." I'm already fed up with the people I work with, I don't know if I can handle the customers as well.
Back to school... I'm starting to hanging out with more girls. Fun. I think? I'm kind of intrigued by it. I would like to start hanging out with more girls because people always tell me I'm like their little brother. Is that a good thing? I don't actually know. So maybe my sense of humor is a little off, I talk as if I was a guy, and I curse like a sailor, it's just how I am. I think it's because I was raised with all brothers and no sisters. Heh, I don't know. But anyway, this could be my chance to be girly. To be apart of something. I want to have a set of friends where I know I can rely on them. I'm sick of fake people. However, when I'm with the girls, I slowly feel like I'm changing into how they are. I say things like, "OMG! naw uh! That's soooo cuteeeeeee!!" Then I catch myself and I think, "What the fuck did I just say/do? That's not me at all." Hah, I don't even know what I want! I wanted to be girly, yet I don't want to change. It's weird.